Bungie’s New Game A Sci-Fi Shooter

Contracts. We all sign them when we want to join a football team or buy a yacht. However deep-dish developer Bungie have gone one step further and put pen to paper on a contract binding them with Activision to make visual videogame entertainment experiences until the heady days of 2020.

“I’d rather sign a contract binding me with the new Chickin’ McGrillin’ sandwich now available at all good McDonalds near you than sign anything with those guys. Coincidentally, the sandwich is crammed with flavour containing”, a spokeswoman went on to affirm.

Legal documents uncovered by the Lost Angeles Times detail that a new game codenamed ‘Destiny’ will be released for The Official Microsoft Xbox 360 Console in 2013 and possibly for next generation Xbox Entertainment Enforcing Consoles of next generation quality if they so happen to exist by the aforementioned time. The aforementioned time is 2013.  Playstation 3 and PC versions are also a possibility but only to be released at a later time in 2014. Whether this is Destiny’s destiny is yet to be destined.  

To make head or tails of the pertaining sheet of paper(s), we spoke to Jaylo Halo at Bungie to confirm the existence of the space videogame shooter: “We at Bungie are proud to announce our new videogame that will enthral all in the near future. At first, I suggested the name in the boardroom of Future Enthraller. Many frowned faces were a’pointing so I had to bring round the drinks for the rest of the day. I’m not going to make that mistake again. That’s what fuels us here at Bungie to make great games. Just because we stopped making Halos doesn’t mean you can start running rings around us.” When pushed for further precise exact detail of Bungie’s Destiny, lemonades were thrown in our general direction.

But what of the newly appointed universe that’s set to appear in the Activision endorsed and affiliated product?

“They need to build a world that’s going to last until all four games and expansions are out by 2020”, said one Halo ODST fan queuing outside a Gamestation that had closed down. “This reminds me of the story, the man who built his house on the sand. He built and built, very close to the shore. The water lapped by the bricks, solidifying the sand underneath creating a strong pillar for the house. My only concern is that Activision isn’t sandy. If I walk on Kottick’s face, what do I get between my toes? That’s something for Bungie to research. Hey why isn’t this store open, it’s half 12?”

Over everything else that is happening in the jam filled centre of the FPS donut, do Bungie look set to join that creative, sticky core? It’s certainly possible that they’ll even be competing with Respawn’s shooter.

“It’s like a dual lightsaber battle”, said one spokeswoman. “CoD and MoH do battle in the left hands and Respawn and Bungie fight in the other”. When we pressed EA for comment, they responded: “I don’t even know what you’re talking about. What do you mean what hand do I hold Medal of Honor in?”

Mirror's Edge 2 and Battlefield: Bad Company 3 Outed On CV

No videogame can escape the wrath of the LinkedIn profile. That’s because it’s managed to squeeze its chunky McCain Oven Chips-like fingers around the existence of Mirror’s Edge 2 and Battlefield: Bad Company 3.

“The LinkedIn has become the LinkedOut”, commented one spokeswoman.

Within the hollow, burdened interiors of EA, lights flicker and employees tarnish the names of other games from similar companies that tackle themes of high speed bullets but do they endorse full production of games called Fifa 13, Mirror’s Edge 2, Battlefield: Bad Company 3 and Bloodrayne 3? Wholeheartedly, perhaps, we’ll certainly find out and not unless you payed them.

It’s because the games are on a Curriculum Vitae, out there on the internet, out there in the abyss, that games are revealed and teased for the delectation and fascination of all. Of course, a publisher as large as Electronic Arts entertainment publisher experience can afford to gamble, dash the chips across the table and work on a game to then cancel it if all does not warm the cockles of the heads and gamers. Heads and Gamers is coming to 3DS this Christmas.  

We spoke to Humphry Runner, head of speed visualization at Dice, who replied to rumours: “If you want the game so much, someone should run a petition. Get it? But no, in all seriousness I don’t know what a Mirror’s Edge 2 is. There’s nothing like that happening at EA. There’s nothing left to say. Now I’m going to have to ask you to leave because we have an Israeli news company having a look around at 2”.

But that is not all that is stacked high on the rumour stack as sequel to Battlefield: Bad Company and Battlefield: Bad Company 2 comes Battlefield: Bad Company 3, or so it is to be believed by those frivolous, haughty rumours. As seems clear like the opaque clarity of a bordered window, the Battlefield and Medal of Honor shooter franchise enthralments switch releases every year for EA (Electro Artisimo). As the gap between Battlefield 2 and Battlefield 3 was as seismic as the Gods that bestow us with blessings, Battlefield: Bad Company 3 seems like a likely, candid release for Frosty Winter 2013.

“Many gamers will be chilly enough for Bad Company 3’s hot gun toting bombast blowing”, affirmed one spokeswoman.

To confirm the plausibility of the existence of the video computer war game, we contacted Jeff Commando, VP of real-time terror renderer, who responded: “Lets get one thing straight; we blew all awards away with our extremely feared yet loved entertainment experience Battlefield 3. Yet to reach those sales, we exploited the vulnerability of the other pop culture undertaking, Battlefield: Bad Company 2. We used it as a stepping stone to rise to glory; rise to extreme sales. If we keep making stepping stones, who knows where we’ll be? Space? The thing is we already did a spacey space aesthetic called Battlefield 2142. And that was a good few stepping stones away. It could come full circle. That’s M.C Escher levels of scary. This ties into my new book, a synergy between our online computer game and optical illusions, ‘Escher’s EMP Grenade’”.

Real answers are hidden within the future and cannot be determined by the past (apart from the computer war gun game Battlefield: Bad Company 3 which can be found in prior paragraphs). With E3 coming round the mountain when it comes, all gamers can only hold their breath for the announcement of these games. But do EA hold their breath for the reception? Only lungs will tell.

Nintendo Reports First Annual Loss

Nintendo, they who deal in the business of visualizing trade people that specialize in fixing housing draining systems, have posted a loss. They have posted a loss and it’s not looking magnífico el spendo. 

“It’s ironic that for a business that operates within 3D, their results have fallen flat”, said one spokeswoman. 

Things aren’t as terrible as they may seem for what is Nintendo’s first ever annual loss but it’s a bruise that’s going to hurt come winter. For the full 12 months, the amount contained within one year, they previously estimated losing $800 million but in the end their hands carried more friction than they realised as that loss was in fact a meagre, penny-like $532 million. The 3DS still managed to underperform, evoking such classic tales as ‘The Tortoise And The Hare’ and ‘How To Burn A Handheld On A Hob’, selling 13.5m units worldwide. Nintendo predicted 14 million, 5 million down from the initial 16 million and that’s bad math. 

We spoke with Reggie Fils-Gaime, VP of rumble at Nintendo, who claimed: “We have nothing to worry about. I mean, I personally go to bed with the night light on but the company, as a business is safe and secure, tucked up under a duvet of profit. Who knows where we’ll be next year. We’ll gorge on Wii U console experience and with New Super Mario. 2 lurking around the corner, family friendly fun will await all who will do anything to buy our games. Anyone would think we’re not putting out content and giving bad advice” Reggie Fils-Gaime started handing out pamphlets on high speed unicycle riding shortly after. 

But how did a company so nausea-inducing, so fine-tuned become so spurious this financial season.  Nintendo claim they have what it takes to lift off out of the spilled frozen isle but many are dubious at the claims of their wallet mop up. 

“When they were wasting all that time with Brain Training, they were really brain maiming if you know what I’m saying”, says Francesca Cashyagold. “They need to get back on that horse, back on the saddle and ride those hardcore elite like the feisty bulls they are. Console complacency doesn’t come ‘till you got your handhelds fixed but like I always say, you can’t kick a pimp and sing kumbaya.”

Indeed, who knows when the mascot-fuelled entertainment corporation takes to selling products that sell. But as Nintendo go for half time, who’s buying the hot dogs and mustard?

Dead Space 3 Leaked Again

The presence of Dead Space 3 appearing on distributing shelves soon is ever more prophesised with evidence as an online retailer has made it available to pre-order the game. 

“I’ve known less confirmation that my washing still exists on the line when I get home”, said one spokeswoman. 

The craggy confirmation comes from BT Games who affirms that the publisher is 2K Games, eradiating horrendous blasphemy when EA has released all Dead Space entertainment video computer game products in the Dead Space experience franchise. Nevertheless, it sits on their site taunting, confusing, floating and thrusting. 

We spoke to Liam Limbs, head of light darkening at Visceral Games saying, “Much like an alien popping out of a vent, Dead Space 3 hasn’t popped out of that vent. Dead Space 3 isn’t an alien. We don’t know how to care for an alien. I wouldn’t know where to begin and I would seek help. We don’t know of other life that we base our videogame on. We wouldn’t waste that knowledge. That knowledge of outer life. I just make the games and I go home at night. Don’t ask so many questions please.”

In a world where people are eager to break out their wallets, some claim that EA have gone far too long without answering the fans’ dreams and ultimately questions. 

“I’ve been here a good few months now”, says Adam Hudless outside of Visceral Games studio. “It’s not right for them to be so clearly working on it and say not a peep. I smell really badly. They don’t do anything here. They keep wheeling out this table on wheels that has a sheet over it but I’m guessing a lot of people just pass out a lot. It’s that time of year. It’s also that time of beer.” Moments after, Adam soaked himself in a beverage from a flask. 

As E3 looms on the horizon of events, it is no doubt no mystery that EA will confirm of Dead Space 3’s experience existence, many months after a video emerged online from a studio tour for an Israeli television company. 

“Sometimes I take petrol from stations and drive off because saying you’re with an Israeli television company will help you”, established one spokeswoman.

We all wait with steady breath for EA to utter the sequel’s name on the corporation’s dry lips.

Halo 4 Release Date Confirmed

Halo 4, the hearty videogame space experience shooter, will touchdown on store shelves with a fire in its warthog on November 6. 

“Every time I watch Master Chef I still think of Master Chief because the names are similar”, confessed one spokeswoman. 

The long awaited voyage of happenings in the Halo fiction will continue this winter after the release date was announced. But shadowy dealings struck a blow to the computer game hype hyper drive campaign when a website foretold of the release date. The release date was leaked a few hours before an official statement of truth was assigned. 

We spoke to Joseph Joypad at http://christandy.webs.com who claims to be responsible for leaking the hosepipe of Microsoft Computer Games Studio Entertainment Corporation, “I was just coming back from shopping at 11pm, carrying delicious fruit when I passed this alleyway and saw a shadowy presence. I walked in the direction of the aforementioned being. I’d never seen it before but I screamed into the night ‘what do you want from me’? It turned out it was just a cat but I got home and there was an email from a contact who told me Halo 4 was November 6.”

There are some rumours that Microsoft Games Division cannot handle their staff pertaining to Halo 4’s initial announcement leaked online last year. 

Greg Flood, head of videogame interaction at 343 Industries told us, “Just because the announcement was early, doesn’t mean that the game is going to be less lapel-gripping and mouth-frothing. The game will satisfy with practiced bravado and I aim to make that happen. Sometimes I fall off the couch, onto the wool carpet, shaking at the feet, at the chest. I get really bad headaches to. Halo just has this effect on me along with thousands of players online and the fourth installation is no exception.” Moments after, a doctor entered with prescription medication. 

Many other titles for this winter have also been announced including Resident Evil 6 (October 2), Medal of Honor: Warfighter (October 23) and Assassin’s Creed III (October 31), though there is still one cherry yet to be picked from the tree. 

“While the CoD’s away, the triple A’s will play”, said one spokeswoman. 

Whilst not but a screenshot accompanied the official announcement, the Xbox 360 exclusive marine of space computer game was primed for announcement via American television systems. Whether this act will still go through remains to be seen by eyes inside the boarders of Halo’s home country.

Skyrim Gets Kinect Support

In a free patch which is set to cost very little money, Bethesda is set to release Kinect support for Skyrim on the Microsoft Xbox 360 Entertainment Platform Hub in late April.

The patch will include additions to the game, exploiting fanciful capabilities the Microsoft Kinect hardware can only provide. Motion control isn’t added but over 200 voice commands are added and these additions will only add up. 

“I can now literally talk my way out of anything”, one spokeswoman claimed. 

We contacted Hardy Stormcloak, VP of textures at Bethesda and asked him to expand upon what was disclosed in the announcement trailer: “We did try to put motion controls in there but a hip thrust gesture glitched the game and it’s something that 90% of our testers did. So we assigned that action to ‘mount horse’ but many complained it wasn’t realistic. My wife also regularly questioned, ‘what are you doing to that horse’?”

He continued: “It came naturally how we focused on voice control instead”. “After Skyrim released, I was shouting a lot and I saw a newfound fear within all children around me. But one day, we was taking our shopping back to the car and I had an open bag of buns. These seagulls attacked us, trying to steal the warm, baked bread and I shouted ‘Fus Ro Dah’ and ‘Yol Toor Shul’ and a handful of other shouts available in the videogame entertainment experience. My wife told me to put it in my videogame while she handled the wild birds so I drove off and sent an email back to Bethesda and they gave me the thumbs up for Kinect voice control.”

Whilst many have voiced their appreciation for the slick, natural and unquiet patch that Bethesda bestows upon us, few have complained that the game’s vocals are offensive. 

Mary Northgate, a council member in the UK complained, “I think it’s disgraceful you can tell other characters in this computer game to ‘Get over there and stab them in the face’, or ‘Come here or I will stab you in the face’. These things should not be said aloud.”

We told Hardy Stormcloak about her statement and he replied: “No you can’t do that, she just made that up.”

As all who play the computer game heralded as Skyrim, the Bethesda stable are teaching you to talk to the game. Now it’s only a matter of time before the game talks back. 

Sony Focus On Games As 10,000 Jobs Are Lost

Sony have long stayed awake through a foreboding night where scary old men knock on their doors, purporting to be friends of the family. They have made an annual loss of a lot of money, the sum of that money being the following: $6.4bn. Shares in the firm are anything but firm as they’ve dropped seven percent. 10,000 jobs are expected to go and the old men still rattle away on the door knock. 

“I wouldn’t work there if you payed me”, one spokeswoman said. 

 Sony appears dumbfounded, in this digital, disposable age. We spoke to Haz Kirai about their position within the market: “Sorry, what was the question, let me turn the TV down?”

But as they move on into the night, through the blaze of deficit, one word is cried into the sky of shares: convergence. 

“We didn’t see it coming”, said Jim Stagnation, head of sales growth at Sony. “We put the televisions on the shelf, we put them out there. No one bought our high-definition clean screens and when we put 3D technology in them, no one bought them more. It’s a confusing state. It’s a cold, bleak condition out there. Surely pumping your children with coats and hats and scarves is the right thing to do. I should have never listened to my mother.” Jim Stagnation was escorted off the premises after burning an obscured Polaroid image. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel however. “It’s all about hooking everything up, much like a TV but not those because they don’t sell”, added Haz Kirai.

“Before, despite Sony comprising many different departments, our divisions were asunder. For example, our movie and games departments were separate. But they were separate for a reason. At lunch times we used to get a few heads of each department and throw them into the kitchen and make them wrestle. The Janitor came in early one time and told us, ‘this isn’t right; this isn’t how it’s supposed to be’. It resonated with me emotionally and so now we’re focusing on grouping everything together because there’s no WWE in ‘team’. We’re calling it One Sony”.

One spokeswoman affirmed: “There was always one Sony, what is he on about?”

As news reached fans of Sony games and films, some suggested the idea of the new Spiderman featuring in the next Uncharted. Naughty Dog issued a statement, “We at Naughty Dog are proud of Nathan Drake who we have nursed through three games but our enemies are slow. We represent this through their footwear as they’re big and heavy. Fighting Spiderman wouldn’t make for smooth gameplay; I just couldn’t shoot that”. 

Sony has shown their ability to ride out the storm and come out the other end without televisions on their shelves. If Sony are thirsty for more, only One Sony will prove that they’re hydrating themselves effectively.  

Crysis 3 Leaked Online

It only took minutes. It only took minutes for the listing of Crysis 3 to appear on Origin and then to be taken down but everybody perusing the EA download service experience witnessed the listing and it’s not something that’s going to go away anytime soon. 

One spokeswoman commented: “It seems like EA is in a bit of a crisis”. 

As websites manically print-screened and captured the listing, proclaiming itself to be available on PC and the Xbox 360 console system and other Sony home entertainment systems, Crysis 3 is a game that is set for a formal and professional announcement imminently. It is also a videogame that will cause much disrelish to those players that disrelished the New York setting in Crysis 2. It is rumoured that Crysis 3 will revisit the detested common computer game environment, according to images from a German magazine that tackles themes of videogames. 

Keith Aliasing, product advisor at Crytek told us: “It’s been well-known that we at Crytek have been desperate to make another CPU-busting videogame in the Crysis franchise that will blow all retinas to kingdom come but Origin didn’t need to go out there and tell everyone about it right now. We know what we’re doing and what we are doing is releasing details about our computer game at a leisurely pace. EA has made that leisure hurried and flustered. EA officially take leisure from me”.

This isn’t the first time this week that a leak has flooded online as Lost Planet 3 leaked ahead of its announcement yesterday.

“There are puddles forming everywhere and unless we mop it up my shins are going to be wet tonight”, a spokeswoman said. 

Without enough clarity, it is uncertain what will feature in Crysis 3; the murky haze of ambiguity shifting coolly in front of the EA-owned property. The images seen so far portray a nanosuit-strapped man firing rapidly at his target. Some have claimed that you fire the sharp gun realistically pressing ‘X’ dementedly on the Xbox 360 wireless controller and then holding ‘LB’ then the right trigger and pulling back on the right stick to fire this fearsome, rash weapon. 

In the meantime, Keith Aliasing advises all customers to check out The Sims 3: Katy Perry’s Sweet Treats on Origin.

“I heartily endorse this product”, he claimed.