Nintendo Reports First Annual Loss

Nintendo, they who deal in the business of visualizing trade people that specialize in fixing housing draining systems, have posted a loss. They have posted a loss and it’s not looking magnífico el spendo. 

“It’s ironic that for a business that operates within 3D, their results have fallen flat”, said one spokeswoman. 

Things aren’t as terrible as they may seem for what is Nintendo’s first ever annual loss but it’s a bruise that’s going to hurt come winter. For the full 12 months, the amount contained within one year, they previously estimated losing $800 million but in the end their hands carried more friction than they realised as that loss was in fact a meagre, penny-like $532 million. The 3DS still managed to underperform, evoking such classic tales as ‘The Tortoise And The Hare’ and ‘How To Burn A Handheld On A Hob’, selling 13.5m units worldwide. Nintendo predicted 14 million, 5 million down from the initial 16 million and that’s bad math. 

We spoke with Reggie Fils-Gaime, VP of rumble at Nintendo, who claimed: “We have nothing to worry about. I mean, I personally go to bed with the night light on but the company, as a business is safe and secure, tucked up under a duvet of profit. Who knows where we’ll be next year. We’ll gorge on Wii U console experience and with New Super Mario. 2 lurking around the corner, family friendly fun will await all who will do anything to buy our games. Anyone would think we’re not putting out content and giving bad advice” Reggie Fils-Gaime started handing out pamphlets on high speed unicycle riding shortly after. 

But how did a company so nausea-inducing, so fine-tuned become so spurious this financial season.  Nintendo claim they have what it takes to lift off out of the spilled frozen isle but many are dubious at the claims of their wallet mop up. 

“When they were wasting all that time with Brain Training, they were really brain maiming if you know what I’m saying”, says Francesca Cashyagold. “They need to get back on that horse, back on the saddle and ride those hardcore elite like the feisty bulls they are. Console complacency doesn’t come ‘till you got your handhelds fixed but like I always say, you can’t kick a pimp and sing kumbaya.”

Indeed, who knows when the mascot-fuelled entertainment corporation takes to selling products that sell. But as Nintendo go for half time, who’s buying the hot dogs and mustard?

Dead Space 3 Leaked Again

The presence of Dead Space 3 appearing on distributing shelves soon is ever more prophesised with evidence as an online retailer has made it available to pre-order the game. 

“I’ve known less confirmation that my washing still exists on the line when I get home”, said one spokeswoman. 

The craggy confirmation comes from BT Games who affirms that the publisher is 2K Games, eradiating horrendous blasphemy when EA has released all Dead Space entertainment video computer game products in the Dead Space experience franchise. Nevertheless, it sits on their site taunting, confusing, floating and thrusting. 

We spoke to Liam Limbs, head of light darkening at Visceral Games saying, “Much like an alien popping out of a vent, Dead Space 3 hasn’t popped out of that vent. Dead Space 3 isn’t an alien. We don’t know how to care for an alien. I wouldn’t know where to begin and I would seek help. We don’t know of other life that we base our videogame on. We wouldn’t waste that knowledge. That knowledge of outer life. I just make the games and I go home at night. Don’t ask so many questions please.”

In a world where people are eager to break out their wallets, some claim that EA have gone far too long without answering the fans’ dreams and ultimately questions. 

“I’ve been here a good few months now”, says Adam Hudless outside of Visceral Games studio. “It’s not right for them to be so clearly working on it and say not a peep. I smell really badly. They don’t do anything here. They keep wheeling out this table on wheels that has a sheet over it but I’m guessing a lot of people just pass out a lot. It’s that time of year. It’s also that time of beer.” Moments after, Adam soaked himself in a beverage from a flask. 

As E3 looms on the horizon of events, it is no doubt no mystery that EA will confirm of Dead Space 3’s experience existence, many months after a video emerged online from a studio tour for an Israeli television company. 

“Sometimes I take petrol from stations and drive off because saying you’re with an Israeli television company will help you”, established one spokeswoman.

We all wait with steady breath for EA to utter the sequel’s name on the corporation’s dry lips.

Halo 4 Release Date Confirmed

Halo 4, the hearty videogame space experience shooter, will touchdown on store shelves with a fire in its warthog on November 6. 

“Every time I watch Master Chef I still think of Master Chief because the names are similar”, confessed one spokeswoman. 

The long awaited voyage of happenings in the Halo fiction will continue this winter after the release date was announced. But shadowy dealings struck a blow to the computer game hype hyper drive campaign when a website foretold of the release date. The release date was leaked a few hours before an official statement of truth was assigned. 

We spoke to Joseph Joypad at http://christandy.webs.com who claims to be responsible for leaking the hosepipe of Microsoft Computer Games Studio Entertainment Corporation, “I was just coming back from shopping at 11pm, carrying delicious fruit when I passed this alleyway and saw a shadowy presence. I walked in the direction of the aforementioned being. I’d never seen it before but I screamed into the night ‘what do you want from me’? It turned out it was just a cat but I got home and there was an email from a contact who told me Halo 4 was November 6.”

There are some rumours that Microsoft Games Division cannot handle their staff pertaining to Halo 4’s initial announcement leaked online last year. 

Greg Flood, head of videogame interaction at 343 Industries told us, “Just because the announcement was early, doesn’t mean that the game is going to be less lapel-gripping and mouth-frothing. The game will satisfy with practiced bravado and I aim to make that happen. Sometimes I fall off the couch, onto the wool carpet, shaking at the feet, at the chest. I get really bad headaches to. Halo just has this effect on me along with thousands of players online and the fourth installation is no exception.” Moments after, a doctor entered with prescription medication. 

Many other titles for this winter have also been announced including Resident Evil 6 (October 2), Medal of Honor: Warfighter (October 23) and Assassin’s Creed III (October 31), though there is still one cherry yet to be picked from the tree. 

“While the CoD’s away, the triple A’s will play”, said one spokeswoman. 

Whilst not but a screenshot accompanied the official announcement, the Xbox 360 exclusive marine of space computer game was primed for announcement via American television systems. Whether this act will still go through remains to be seen by eyes inside the boarders of Halo’s home country.

Skyrim Gets Kinect Support

In a free patch which is set to cost very little money, Bethesda is set to release Kinect support for Skyrim on the Microsoft Xbox 360 Entertainment Platform Hub in late April.

The patch will include additions to the game, exploiting fanciful capabilities the Microsoft Kinect hardware can only provide. Motion control isn’t added but over 200 voice commands are added and these additions will only add up. 

“I can now literally talk my way out of anything”, one spokeswoman claimed. 

We contacted Hardy Stormcloak, VP of textures at Bethesda and asked him to expand upon what was disclosed in the announcement trailer: “We did try to put motion controls in there but a hip thrust gesture glitched the game and it’s something that 90% of our testers did. So we assigned that action to ‘mount horse’ but many complained it wasn’t realistic. My wife also regularly questioned, ‘what are you doing to that horse’?”

He continued: “It came naturally how we focused on voice control instead”. “After Skyrim released, I was shouting a lot and I saw a newfound fear within all children around me. But one day, we was taking our shopping back to the car and I had an open bag of buns. These seagulls attacked us, trying to steal the warm, baked bread and I shouted ‘Fus Ro Dah’ and ‘Yol Toor Shul’ and a handful of other shouts available in the videogame entertainment experience. My wife told me to put it in my videogame while she handled the wild birds so I drove off and sent an email back to Bethesda and they gave me the thumbs up for Kinect voice control.”

Whilst many have voiced their appreciation for the slick, natural and unquiet patch that Bethesda bestows upon us, few have complained that the game’s vocals are offensive. 

Mary Northgate, a council member in the UK complained, “I think it’s disgraceful you can tell other characters in this computer game to ‘Get over there and stab them in the face’, or ‘Come here or I will stab you in the face’. These things should not be said aloud.”

We told Hardy Stormcloak about her statement and he replied: “No you can’t do that, she just made that up.”

As all who play the computer game heralded as Skyrim, the Bethesda stable are teaching you to talk to the game. Now it’s only a matter of time before the game talks back. 

Sony Focus On Games As 10,000 Jobs Are Lost

Sony have long stayed awake through a foreboding night where scary old men knock on their doors, purporting to be friends of the family. They have made an annual loss of a lot of money, the sum of that money being the following: $6.4bn. Shares in the firm are anything but firm as they’ve dropped seven percent. 10,000 jobs are expected to go and the old men still rattle away on the door knock. 

“I wouldn’t work there if you payed me”, one spokeswoman said. 

 Sony appears dumbfounded, in this digital, disposable age. We spoke to Haz Kirai about their position within the market: “Sorry, what was the question, let me turn the TV down?”

But as they move on into the night, through the blaze of deficit, one word is cried into the sky of shares: convergence. 

“We didn’t see it coming”, said Jim Stagnation, head of sales growth at Sony. “We put the televisions on the shelf, we put them out there. No one bought our high-definition clean screens and when we put 3D technology in them, no one bought them more. It’s a confusing state. It’s a cold, bleak condition out there. Surely pumping your children with coats and hats and scarves is the right thing to do. I should have never listened to my mother.” Jim Stagnation was escorted off the premises after burning an obscured Polaroid image. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel however. “It’s all about hooking everything up, much like a TV but not those because they don’t sell”, added Haz Kirai.

“Before, despite Sony comprising many different departments, our divisions were asunder. For example, our movie and games departments were separate. But they were separate for a reason. At lunch times we used to get a few heads of each department and throw them into the kitchen and make them wrestle. The Janitor came in early one time and told us, ‘this isn’t right; this isn’t how it’s supposed to be’. It resonated with me emotionally and so now we’re focusing on grouping everything together because there’s no WWE in ‘team’. We’re calling it One Sony”.

One spokeswoman affirmed: “There was always one Sony, what is he on about?”

As news reached fans of Sony games and films, some suggested the idea of the new Spiderman featuring in the next Uncharted. Naughty Dog issued a statement, “We at Naughty Dog are proud of Nathan Drake who we have nursed through three games but our enemies are slow. We represent this through their footwear as they’re big and heavy. Fighting Spiderman wouldn’t make for smooth gameplay; I just couldn’t shoot that”. 

Sony has shown their ability to ride out the storm and come out the other end without televisions on their shelves. If Sony are thirsty for more, only One Sony will prove that they’re hydrating themselves effectively.  

Crysis 3 Leaked Online

It only took minutes. It only took minutes for the listing of Crysis 3 to appear on Origin and then to be taken down but everybody perusing the EA download service experience witnessed the listing and it’s not something that’s going to go away anytime soon. 

One spokeswoman commented: “It seems like EA is in a bit of a crisis”. 

As websites manically print-screened and captured the listing, proclaiming itself to be available on PC and the Xbox 360 console system and other Sony home entertainment systems, Crysis 3 is a game that is set for a formal and professional announcement imminently. It is also a videogame that will cause much disrelish to those players that disrelished the New York setting in Crysis 2. It is rumoured that Crysis 3 will revisit the detested common computer game environment, according to images from a German magazine that tackles themes of videogames. 

Keith Aliasing, product advisor at Crytek told us: “It’s been well-known that we at Crytek have been desperate to make another CPU-busting videogame in the Crysis franchise that will blow all retinas to kingdom come but Origin didn’t need to go out there and tell everyone about it right now. We know what we’re doing and what we are doing is releasing details about our computer game at a leisurely pace. EA has made that leisure hurried and flustered. EA officially take leisure from me”.

This isn’t the first time this week that a leak has flooded online as Lost Planet 3 leaked ahead of its announcement yesterday.

“There are puddles forming everywhere and unless we mop it up my shins are going to be wet tonight”, a spokeswoman said. 

Without enough clarity, it is uncertain what will feature in Crysis 3; the murky haze of ambiguity shifting coolly in front of the EA-owned property. The images seen so far portray a nanosuit-strapped man firing rapidly at his target. Some have claimed that you fire the sharp gun realistically pressing ‘X’ dementedly on the Xbox 360 wireless controller and then holding ‘LB’ then the right trigger and pulling back on the right stick to fire this fearsome, rash weapon. 

In the meantime, Keith Aliasing advises all customers to check out The Sims 3: Katy Perry’s Sweet Treats on Origin.

“I heartily endorse this product”, he claimed.

Resident Evil 6 Premium Edition Revealed

Special Editions have before been filled with luxurious content like remote controlled cars, pillows and computer games but Resident Evil 6 takes this videogame compendium package to the next level.

For over £800 you can buy the Resident Evil 6 Premium Edition filled with real life content that you can interact with outside of the chilling horror journey experience. It includes the game, some ‘covers’ featuring the main characters that feature in the Resident Evil 6 videogame and a jacket. 

We contacted Harry Burton, director of profit at Capcom and he responded with: “I had an idea that what if you could take the character from a videogame and integrate it into your everyday life? What if the images represented into your personal belongings could make passer-bys scream with psychological terror and make them want to buy the game but hesitantly so. We put together the covers for the phones with the characters on them because phones are everywhere now like my wife. But my wife also told me to class it up so I added the jacket which you can wear and take around with you anywhere you like. It makes you feel like the character to the point where I can tell people to get in large bins and I feel like Leon.” Harry Burton currently has an injunction to not be within a 30 metre radius of any local recycling plant. 

“It comes at a time when it is economically sensible to make a move like this”, said one spokeswoman.

Although it’s not available for purchase in Europe, the videogame of Resident Evil 6 is for purchase and it is coming out soon; much sooner than any of us imagined with our minds because initially it was due for a worldwide release of November 20 but that has been cancelled. Resident Evil 6 has now been cancelled. It is now coming out on October 2. 

Fans still don’t seem content with the Premium Edition content. 

“We get a lot of people in discontent”, continued Harry Burton. “Most people have been craving more products that they interact with on a daily basis. A mother of five told me she loses her keys quite a lot so if we could make a product that fits onto the keys yet keep it within the £800 price tag, then she will feel enforced to buy the PE of Resident Evil 6.

Today the Prime Minister of the UK told the public that he wants more PE for kids.

Project X Zone Is A Collaboration Between Capcom, Namco And Sega

A collaboration game is in the works starring Capcom, Namco Bandai and Sega characters.

One spokeswoman claimed, “What’s a collaboration game? That’s not a thing.”

Details are thin on the ground, with fans clamouring to find friction on the frosty pavement of ambiguity, but it’s named so far as ‘Project X Zone’, and is to be a strategy role-player being developed by the developer of Xenoblade Chronicles on the Nintendo Wii console experience. That developer is Monolith Soft.

Jeremy Synergy, head of graphics at Monolith Soft said, “There’s really no context needed anymore and we’re supplying that. We’re supplying something that doesn’t exist”.

When asked to expand upon his point, he added: “We could have made a new game where the characters are new and fresh but that doesn’t cut the flake anymore. It doesn’t cut it. By putting characters into a dream team of mega busters, they can actually work together stronger and they can also work together faster, more flake-ridden. People know these characters and they are familiar with them because they have seen them before.”

The leaked characters so far include:

Capcom: Ryu and Ken (Street Fighter Alpha), X and Zero (Mega Man), Demitri and Dante (Darkstalkers and Devil May Cry), Chris and Jill (Resident Evil).

Sega: Shinguji Sakura and Ogami Ichiro (Sakura Wars), Pai and Akira (Virtua Fighter), Kurt and Riela (Valkyria Chronicles), Ulala and Touma (Space Channel 5 and Shining Force EXA).

Namco Bandai: Sanger Somvold (Super Robot Wars), Jin and Ling Xiaoyu (Tekken), KOS-MOS and T-elos (Xenosaga), Yurie and Estel (Tales Of Vesperia), Kaito and Black Rose (.hack).

It appears Namco approached Capcom first, spiking the ball before volleying it to Sega to then return the set. But others are reported to want in on the sandy set up.

Tim Quiet, Head of Silent Hill said, “I think fans immediately thought of Pyramid Head when they thought of a crossover between Ryu and Ulala. We want to give the fans what they so desire, what they so yearn for but so far the big three aren’t giving Konami any leeway and it’s getting frustrating out there. I call them every day but they never return my calls, like an ex-wife plagued by memories.”

It seems that Sega are holding back from their more beloved characters like Sonic (which translates to hedgehog of blue in Japan) but as a proper announcement and trailer are soon to be revealed later this month, only time will tell who draws the right cards in this game of mascot poker where all is at stake, yet nothing is to lose.

The computer game is due this year.  

There was also a similar computer game called Namco X Capcom in 2005 released in 2005 but it was only released in Japan. 

Our Japanese correspondent reviewed it and said: “I can’t remember what happens in it”.  

Epic Cancel Two New Games

Epic Games have cancelled two unreleased games deeming them new, but as they will not come out now, the term new remains up in the air. 

Gears of War: Exile was a Gears of War videogame subtitled ‘Exile’ for the Xbox 360. We chatted to Mike Rattlegun about the Kinect Gears of War game.

“It was an on-the-rails shooter for the Kinect but it never took off. We wanted the player to feel immersed in an entertainment experience as they stood in their living room and bent their knees slightly, pretending to shake their hands as they shot the heavy, big and shaking guns in our popular videogame franchise. The problem we encountered was that on-the-rails gameplay is more commonly linked to gameplay for babies. Jack Thompson was reported to be hanging around the car park at lunchtime. We put two and two together”.

He added: “I felt more confident in the project after lunchtimes and so we had a go at it again between 1pm and 6pm. Every day I would stand on a chair and say the following takes place between 1pm and 6pm. Microsoft didn’t want a shooty violent game for Kinect though. We tried to rebrand it as ‘Exile 360 for Xbox 360’ but they weren’t having any of it. I did a chair dance but it didn’t work”.

He recommended that players craving unrelenting gameplay of Gears of War to check out Dance Central 2.

Bulletstorm also released to murky waters that gulped harshly in early 2011 and according to the president of Epic, Sean Unreal, “There’s no more Bulletstorm, there’s no Bulletswarm or Bulletform”. Later, Microsoft announced the Bulletform that lets you scroll through contracts faster on your Android and iOS devices.  

According to website http://christandy.webs.com, Sean Unreal offered shimmerings of hope, of light by adding, “Now’s not the time but there will be a time. Everyone has their lunch and dinner at fixed times and it’s not dinner time yet for Bulletstorm 2. We have People Can Fly working on something else right now but I can’t tell you because it’s a secret”.

As developer Epic Games creates games and destroys games, all we can do is flounder in the car park of their announcement plans.